procrastination: a letter

 Hello reader,

stamp

By the title its safe for you to assume I am procrastinating. And you are right. It is cozy here though not 

going to lie. I scroll on TikTok, I eat, plan, and talk to my family at times. What else? With this time I nap

and communicate with people. Its not at all perfect. But it takes a lot of less brain power than anything. 

Similar to this post, sometimes school feels like a drag. As they say "pushing papers." But what am I really

learning. I sit there and input letters for my drivers assignment. Tired eyes and worn out fingers. OH wait 

Boces has a binder check so I must rearrange my whole setup for a grade. In addition I'm drawing a template

on a book I've barely read. At what cost?

I keep the end goal in mind at all times. But I wonder how much time are we suppose to spend doing things 

we want to do. Ventures we want to explore minus your grade book and requirements you think I should 

meet. There are days I barely have time to munch on some bread. Sometimes I know they're doing this for 

us yet others I wonder if like the rest of us they'll get their check of the week and be satisfied. While I'm

mentally exhausted after enduring it.

I like to do work I understand. I don't mind an ELA essay or a boces question and answer. But math. That is

what gets me. I swear I feel actual brain pain. From trying to compute numbers, letters, and everything in 

between. It is so extremely stressful when 1 thing is holding you back. I've tried studying. I have tried 

paying attention in class. I don't hate a lot of things. But without a doubt. I know i hate math. That is the 

main thing I'm avoiding but I'll admit hiding from it won't solve it. Maybe I'll start it in 10 minutes... an hour

...one day. I recognize I am only hurting myself. But the place I go to even thinking about it. Is territory I

strive to avoid. If I can't do high school math. What will colleges think or my dad think? Makes me 

seriously question if college is for me. And on that note I should also procrastinate that thought!

Now what do you do to occupy yourself? How was your night? Excuse my rudeness I forgot to ask. TTYL

-L.J.J.

Side note: after writing this mess. I am convinced that I will buy stamps and send some people I know

letters. I seriously dig the letter format. Satisfying.  OK. Looking forward to it.

"Somewhere only we know" song (the Glee version)

 So, this is gonna be part of a reoccurring topics where I romanticize absolutely everything. So take a second and watch me build off this idea. All in one post.

The D.L.

The down low. Or to put it in laymen's a private relationship. Almost my dream as a high schooler. Now there's different levels I could breakdown. But don't fret. We'll get to that. 

How I deem private, a good term would be low-key. For starters I'd want a mutual understanding. An agreement of some sorts.That we both want our privacy. Or limited knowledge of our relationship. I see this as the best friends stage of a relationship. Yes you are dating, but everyone doesn't need to know.To be honest for however long I can I would like everyone to see us as just extremely close friends. Picture it we introduce our relationship. Still not that much posts. Or anything too romantic looking. But if anything almost hanging out or just talking at school. If anything that would induce speculation. Gosh I love that. The guessing games. The denial. Hiding in plane sight. That's very cool to me. People would think they're getting insight by asking you questions close or not. Would be shut out or ultimately fooled.

Next, this one is controversial but very effective I'd say. You probably guessed it. The completely private relationship. The secret agents, yet they could be having the deepest connection. I think people would disagree but to me it's riveting. I like the no expectations from any outsiders. It would feel like protecting my heart from mass judgement. Or crude comments like "they're an ugly couple." That one especially hurts. Don't get me wrong I'm the first to say love out loud. But guarding your relationship can be easier and more appealing too. I would enjoy not broadcasting it and having a little place or safe place from the world. Again, normal couple things like dates and hangouts even pictures. But it would probably be best out of social media. And very few knowledge. In addition to those thoughts, I would want him not to tell anybody the personal things we would share. The rumors around about couples are truly disheartening. Ultimately deterring me from the want to upload or boast. I like the not feeling the need to brag and being able to keep the little things to myself. Not being associated with a relationship is nice. I am Leila. I wouldn't be someones other half or gf. Just me. Those labels aren't bad but when a persons image  is consumed and their image is consumed by a relationship is bad. The excitement goes up every time you see each other. Because you're a constant thought in each others mind but not a constant conversation topic. The build up. Each time. The sneak around. Turned off snap maps. How much better could it get?

Ultimately, it would go public. It must. But, that'll come with time,growth, and understanding. Still stick to my habits. Minimal posting and no gossip! This world is so tainted. Beautiful innocent love or kids can be torn down and vilified in seconds. And that's normal? What could be a passing time conversation for you could be a wound for someone else. And as I write this I vow to work on that as you should too. It's not on purpose that we mutter grotesque generalizations. But lets begin to call ourselves out. I think this has taken a turn to digging at my own insecurity and struggle with people's perception. I mean we can't act like words don't hurt. That jealousy or malicious jabs can alter a relationship in a snap.

Converse that energy. Keep it in that bubble for as long as you can.

-L.J.J

P.S. I wouldn't have all my relationships private but I thought I'd say my take on it. And lastly did anyone else watch Boy Meets World. TGIF

"blindsided" piece

 Blind sided by L.J.J

I use to see you as this great person but turns out your not what you seem,

it makes me want to scream.

Your light was like a beam,

we were once a team.

Then you showed your true color,

which to this day makes me wonder.

What pressure could someone who acts like this be under

to unpack all this sh*t I'd need a plunger.

You lie.

I cry.

You deny. 

I sigh.

I miss being naive,

for the old you I still grieve.

Tell me its not true, make me believe.

What else might you have under your sleeve?