procrastination: a letter

 Hello reader,

stamp

By the title its safe for you to assume I am procrastinating. And you are right. It is cozy here though not 

going to lie. I scroll on TikTok, I eat, plan, and talk to my family at times. What else? With this time I nap

and communicate with people. Its not at all perfect. But it takes a lot of less brain power than anything. 

Similar to this post, sometimes school feels like a drag. As they say "pushing papers." But what am I really

learning. I sit there and input letters for my drivers assignment. Tired eyes and worn out fingers. OH wait 

Boces has a binder check so I must rearrange my whole setup for a grade. In addition I'm drawing a template

on a book I've barely read. At what cost?

I keep the end goal in mind at all times. But I wonder how much time are we suppose to spend doing things 

we want to do. Ventures we want to explore minus your grade book and requirements you think I should 

meet. There are days I barely have time to munch on some bread. Sometimes I know they're doing this for 

us yet others I wonder if like the rest of us they'll get their check of the week and be satisfied. While I'm

mentally exhausted after enduring it.

I like to do work I understand. I don't mind an ELA essay or a boces question and answer. But math. That is

what gets me. I swear I feel actual brain pain. From trying to compute numbers, letters, and everything in 

between. It is so extremely stressful when 1 thing is holding you back. I've tried studying. I have tried 

paying attention in class. I don't hate a lot of things. But without a doubt. I know i hate math. That is the 

main thing I'm avoiding but I'll admit hiding from it won't solve it. Maybe I'll start it in 10 minutes... an hour

...one day. I recognize I am only hurting myself. But the place I go to even thinking about it. Is territory I

strive to avoid. If I can't do high school math. What will colleges think or my dad think? Makes me 

seriously question if college is for me. And on that note I should also procrastinate that thought!

Now what do you do to occupy yourself? How was your night? Excuse my rudeness I forgot to ask. TTYL

-L.J.J.

Side note: after writing this mess. I am convinced that I will buy stamps and send some people I know

letters. I seriously dig the letter format. Satisfying.  OK. Looking forward to it.

"Somewhere only we know" song (the Glee version)

 So, this is gonna be part of a reoccurring topics where I romanticize absolutely everything. So take a second and watch me build off this idea. All in one post.

The D.L.

The down low. Or to put it in laymen's a private relationship. Almost my dream as a high schooler. Now there's different levels I could breakdown. But don't fret. We'll get to that. 

How I deem private, a good term would be low-key. For starters I'd want a mutual understanding. An agreement of some sorts.That we both want our privacy. Or limited knowledge of our relationship. I see this as the best friends stage of a relationship. Yes you are dating, but everyone doesn't need to know.To be honest for however long I can I would like everyone to see us as just extremely close friends. Picture it we introduce our relationship. Still not that much posts. Or anything too romantic looking. But if anything almost hanging out or just talking at school. If anything that would induce speculation. Gosh I love that. The guessing games. The denial. Hiding in plane sight. That's very cool to me. People would think they're getting insight by asking you questions close or not. Would be shut out or ultimately fooled.

Next, this one is controversial but very effective I'd say. You probably guessed it. The completely private relationship. The secret agents, yet they could be having the deepest connection. I think people would disagree but to me it's riveting. I like the no expectations from any outsiders. It would feel like protecting my heart from mass judgement. Or crude comments like "they're an ugly couple." That one especially hurts. Don't get me wrong I'm the first to say love out loud. But guarding your relationship can be easier and more appealing too. I would enjoy not broadcasting it and having a little place or safe place from the world. Again, normal couple things like dates and hangouts even pictures. But it would probably be best out of social media. And very few knowledge. In addition to those thoughts, I would want him not to tell anybody the personal things we would share. The rumors around about couples are truly disheartening. Ultimately deterring me from the want to upload or boast. I like the not feeling the need to brag and being able to keep the little things to myself. Not being associated with a relationship is nice. I am Leila. I wouldn't be someones other half or gf. Just me. Those labels aren't bad but when a persons image  is consumed and their image is consumed by a relationship is bad. The excitement goes up every time you see each other. Because you're a constant thought in each others mind but not a constant conversation topic. The build up. Each time. The sneak around. Turned off snap maps. How much better could it get?

Ultimately, it would go public. It must. But, that'll come with time,growth, and understanding. Still stick to my habits. Minimal posting and no gossip! This world is so tainted. Beautiful innocent love or kids can be torn down and vilified in seconds. And that's normal? What could be a passing time conversation for you could be a wound for someone else. And as I write this I vow to work on that as you should too. It's not on purpose that we mutter grotesque generalizations. But lets begin to call ourselves out. I think this has taken a turn to digging at my own insecurity and struggle with people's perception. I mean we can't act like words don't hurt. That jealousy or malicious jabs can alter a relationship in a snap.

Converse that energy. Keep it in that bubble for as long as you can.

-L.J.J

P.S. I wouldn't have all my relationships private but I thought I'd say my take on it. And lastly did anyone else watch Boy Meets World. TGIF

"blindsided" piece

 Blind sided by L.J.J

I use to see you as this great person but turns out your not what you seem,

it makes me want to scream.

Your light was like a beam,

we were once a team.

Then you showed your true color,

which to this day makes me wonder.

What pressure could someone who acts like this be under

to unpack all this sh*t I'd need a plunger.

You lie.

I cry.

You deny. 

I sigh.

I miss being naive,

for the old you I still grieve.

Tell me its not true, make me believe.

What else might you have under your sleeve?

"need for speed" poem

Need for speed by L.J.J.

 A classic case,

a mile per hour pace.

There's no time to waste,

I just want a taste.

A  car; an engine

 going places i haven't been.

Having fun with no sin,

plus adulthood creeping right at the rim. 

Maybe its more than a break light

or ramming through a curb super super tight.

But its a calling kind of hard to recite

One to freedom,gleaming straight into daylight.

My favorite album:

 Blonde

Frank Oceans 2016 album is just indescribable! I have a belief that this album is a masterpiece; sensational. This album is not only a work of art but makes me feel- no believe that I can soar through the night sky seamlessly. It truly gives you that momentum of freedom or motion at that. Not to mention the emotional vacuum that it creates, which we'll get to.

I will never forget when I first sat down and pressed play. It seemed so trivial at the time, but became one of the more impactful decisions in that year. I was sat in my room, bored and I gave it a try. I can't remember the very first song but I was immediately captivated. And specifically by one song. I bought a music subscription. And listened in order. A huge tale. Getting to hear every song for the first time was a unique and fortunate experience. And now three months later: I'm always listening to empathize with but also for mental stimulation. It's like an older sibling who's always there for you is how I'd describe it. But the best way to know is by listening! A diverse album with your fast songs (Pink+ White, Solo Reprise, Nights etc.) Story like, interlude songs (Facebook Story, Good Guy, BE YOURSELF ,Pretty Sweet) {My personal} and extreme emotion ones (Godspeed, Skyline To, even Siegfried, SOLO, Ivy, Self Control) Ok all of them can go for that one. Plus Nikes but that's not a personally emotional one for me! Topped off with Future Free. The categorizations can be missed and matched but that was a quick bare minimum run down. Also I think I'm gonna do a whole other post on the love lyrics. DONT get me started! Ultimately,

there's no prep and no time to listen. Press play now. Lastly I think I need to quickly, while I still hopefully have your attention let me tell you about my favorite song.

WHITE FERRARI

The first note. The first words "Bad luck to talk." Chills. Not chills. Absolute shakes. Whenever I hear it no lie I either take a huge breath. Or just immediately ball my eyes out to the DAMN sockets. That was the song I mentioned before that made me fall in awe of this album. It is my comfort song. It is so god damn beautiful. I care for you still and I will forver. That was my part of the deal, honest.

or or when he says MIND OVER MATTER IS MAGIC, I DO MAGIC. Please do me a favor and imagine me screaming that at the tops of my last breath. or OR you dream of walls that hold us in prison. Literally any time he says familiar. The voice changes OH my. That song is a picture of my inner soul at the moment. THE ECHOES. I cannot take it. And the first time I listened to it I started crying. Crying so hard. Love lost. Lonely Souls. His recognition of there's something so much bigger than this. While also not recognizing the beauty he had completely at the time but its not only his fault. White Ferrari is purposely of matter (a car) but also kind of symbolism I've gathered for familiarity and overlooking. I could go on for days. Yet the songs interpretation can be skewed each and every way. But I want everyone to know this song speaks to me almost from within.

 Thanks for reading.

  

amateur interview tips

So you think you can interview

I thought I'd make a list of cool tips and tricks I've thought  and used for interviews. I've had two interviews and nailed them both, so I hope I can be of service to you :))) (no particular order)

1. eye contact👀

I read this in my textbook once. I struggle with it but its very important. I think it gives trusting eyes and kind of sort of identification if that makes any sense. DO NOT STARE just look at them when they talk to you.

2. appropriate dressing

This is really important and can mean so many things. Before I get into it, the most important part is to make sure they are clean! Now if you're applying at a very casual place like a food truck, dress more casual vs an extremely fancy restaurant, where your gonna kind of want to dress to impress. Make it count, jewelry, specific shoes, all can help you so be mindful.

3. NO fidgeting

This one is so tempting. I get that. But, a lot of times it is simply distracting and makes the interviewer feel uneasy. That is the last thing you want. So I advise against that.

4. NATURAL

Be yourself. Smile. I always say make it like a conversation. Try not to get sweaty or robotic. Don't be afraid to laugh.

5. be alert!

Simple. Look interested even if they're talking about dry paint! Head nods are a great way of doing this and I saw in a tiktok that when they say do you have any questions. Feel free to say yes and asked. It cant get more engaged than that. An example of a question is "what does the perfect worker look like for you?" When you look bored it makes the person hiring feel as though they wasted their time. LISTEN and hear them out NO CUT OFFS.

6. come prepared

Make sure you have answers to universal interview questions like {tell me about you, what's your availability etc.} Don't be calculated and memorize word for word what you are going to say. Just think about it and ask a family member to practice with you. Also know the position/place you're applying for. Like don't look shocked and for sure know what you are getting yourself into.

7. friendly to everyone (not just the employer)

When doing an interview live by this saying. "your interview starts the second you walk through the door" This means engage everyone as if they were your interviewer. Be nice. Talk to your potential coworkers and make them like you. Unless they're busy then just smile and wave. Their opinion of you is more important than you think; first impressions are everything. Don't hesitate to make conversation in downtime.

8. know how to brag on yourself

There could be several questions just about you and your life. YES LISTEN TO THEM but also not bragging but talking up your credentials could separate you from another hopeful.

9. open minded 

They may be looking for someone versatile. And to push boundaries. Try this instead of saying "no I've never done that before." If they ask out of your scope say "no but I'm willing to learn" Those affirmations can assure them your ready to be tasked. During the process dont ever look discouraged look excited.

10. good posture

No slouching!

11. confidence=key! 

You've put in an application or you got yourself an interview. The hard part is over. You know yourself better than anyone. You know that you're hardworking intelligent etc. C'mon show them that, and exude. Be sure of yourself, you can it. If you couldn't tell its all up to YOU. Good luck out there. Sky is the limit 💫

Can't force the feeling

     In this life there is literally so much you can do to better yourself. Take me for example, this year I've done so much. BLESSED. But seriously i study very hard for cma tests, I work hard at the restaurant, I'm trying to build merit from being the vp of class and the secretary of student government. And so much more like buying my whole family gifts. Now, why is this important? I've had experiences with love. But as of now I don't have a growing receptive love. I don't have the I love you back. 

This brings me into our topic. Love cannot be acquired. Love cannot be bought. In true definition of work, organic love cannot be worked for. Worked on but not worked for. I think about it and you have to grind. You must get up early. You have to work that muscle, get that summer body. With enough determination you can do it. But, when it comes to the worlds best feeling in the world. What I perceive as gods greatest gift: There is no blueprint. LOVE has no blueprint. As painful as that sounds, its the cold hard truth. There is no map that will find you your honey, get him to feel for you back. And its crazy. That has to be the worlds greatest chase. We suppress ourselves, and we pretend we do not care. Don't act like I'm crazy. Please listen. I'd like to cite a quote from famous rapper J.Cole, he once said: 

"money can't buy you love because its overpriced," Now I wouldn't say its overpriced but truly is a battle and not for the weak. Nothing any form of compensation can buy. I truly get upset thinking of some of the greatest, most accomplished people are lonely. They have yet to find it but they will, everyone will. It just will always mind boggle that some of the worst people still have love and us good ones feel lost. The freaking joker got Harley Quinn and we all know couples like that... makes me wonder. I know everything happens for a reason but when it comes to "getting" love. Is it random? Is there a birth order? Is there such a thing as worthiness? We don't know, We may never know, but I'll admit its better that way.

So now I open up the question to my peers/readers. How do you believe love (real life love!) is gained? 

P.S. I hope you enjoyed and I look forward to talking about some of my experiences. And I'm gonna make a post about how I actually view love and like soulmates the whole nine yards. I actually am in a super good mood, and I'm  hoping this provoked your thoughts NOT made you sad. HA have a fine day